he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
