there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize