im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
