I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
