I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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