We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
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I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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