so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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