im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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