oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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