so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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