shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
