don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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