i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish you could order shots online.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
