i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
