Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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