literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
