Umm I'm too high to move.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
