And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
