Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
