I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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