i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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