; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There's always time for handjobs
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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