I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
