Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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