The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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