i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
