the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
