I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
