saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
