wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
