I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
