someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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