I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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