i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
