Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
