Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
