I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize