Even the bartender felt bad for me
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
