Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
