You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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