Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
