Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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