I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
