Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
