I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Randomize