hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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