I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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