end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize