A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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