I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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