and my herpes radar will keep us safe
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
