She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
