God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
