i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
