He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
