marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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