she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
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she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever