this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out