you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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